


Don't Do It, Gavin

by RedWritingHood



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: AU sorta, Crackfic taken somewhat serious, Elijah Kamski & Gavin Reed are Siblings, Elijah is less creepy, Gavin is a disaster, Gavin is an internet sensation, Gavin's inability to wink correctly, Gen, Humor, Memelord Elijah, Memelord Gavin, Present Tense, but not very to be honest, gratuitious reference to memes, so many memes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 12:39:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15534432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedWritingHood/pseuds/RedWritingHood
Summary: Gavin is a walking meme. This changes some things (but not much).





	Don't Do It, Gavin

**Author's Note:**

> I almost never swear in my fics, but DBH made me do it.

Vine

2016

 

"Don't do it, Gavin," calls the boy behind the camera.

"I'm gonna do it," Gavin shouts. He jumps off the roof, aiming for the trampoline five feet away. He hits the side of it instead and topples to the ground with a groan.

"Oh my God, Gavin."

  
2016

 

"Don't do it, Gavin."

Gavin flips the bird at the camera. "I'm gonna do it." He gets into a batter's stance. "Throw it!"

The cameraman sighs, then tosses a football at him. Gavin swings the bat and hits it hard, grinning savagely.

"Iconic," someone else says in the background.

the sound of glass breaking.

"Oh, shi--"

  
2016

  
"Don't do it, Gavin."

"I'm gonna do it." Gavin stares into the camera. "Ghost pepper challenge, right here, right now. Wish me luck." He shoves the pepper into his mouth and chews. He swallows and starts blinking rapidly. He manages a cocky grin, even though his eyes are red and watering. "That wasn't so bad."

There's a pause. Then the cameraman says, "That's because it's a regular old chili pepper I got from the market. Despite all the shit I let you do, I wouldn't actually let you eat a ghost pepper, because you might _die_."

Gavin looks offended. "For your information, _Eli_ , I might _die_ from crossin' the street."

"Not if you look both ways like I keep _telling you to_ \--"

  
2016

  
"Don't _do it_ , Gavin, I swear to _God_ \--"

"I'm gonna do it!"

  
2038

  
"Shit...Look at that," Gavin murmurs. "It's a fuckin' ghost."

The android who just walked into the break room looks completely unruffled, despite the fact that the last time Gavin saw him, he had a bullet hole in his head.

"Hello, Detective Reed," Connor responds.

Gavin stands up, contemplatively tapping his fingers on the table.

Tina knows that look on his face. She gets out her phone and starts filming.

Gavin walks up to Connor.

"Don't do it, Gavin," Tina says.

Gavin ignores that, staring at Connor. The android tilts his head slightly, in an almost questioning manner. His eyes are very dark, disturbingly human.

"Connor, was it?" Gavin asks.

"Yes, Detective."

Still staring at him, Gavin pulls something out from his pocket. "How much would you dare me to eat this Tide pod?"

Connor pauses. His forehead creases slightly. "I...would not."

"Good enough for--"

"You better not actually eat it, Gavin, you moron," Tina says.

Gavin whirls around. "It was all the rage twenty years ago!" he protests.

"Yeah, and see how well that went? You said it yourself, it was twenty years ago. You're not an idiot kid anymore." Tina pauses. "I mean, you're not a kid."

"Hey!"

"Detective Reed, ingesting laundry detergent would not be beneficial to your health," Connor insists.

Gavin frowns down at the Tide pod in his hand. "Well..."

Connor reaches out and grabs the pod, tucking it away somewhere safe.

"Hey, now--"

"Ingesting this substance and others like it would likely prove fatal. I am confiscating it for your well-being."

"Good job, Connor," Tina says, amused. "That's one tragic incident avoided."

"Who says it'd be tragic?" Gavin grumbles.

"Logic," Tina replies.

"Fact," Connor responds at the same time.

"Whatever, you guys're killjoys..."

 

 

Once Tina posts the video, it goes viral.

 

  
#1 Trending

ANDROID STOPS LOCAL DETECTIVE FROM DOING STUPID SHIT

235,47464 views

 

Later, Gavin gets a text from his brother.

 

_**I saw the video. You're not a teenager anymore, stop doing stupid stuff.** _

_Exactly. Im an adult i can do what i want. So f off_

**_So juvenile..._ **

_F u_

**_When I die young from stress, it'll be your fault._ **

_At least then ill be able to eat tide pods and ghost peppers without u nagging me_

**_I take it back. I won't die young from stress, because I'll kill you first and experience serenity for the first time in my life._ **

_Bullsh_

_Im the best thing that ever hapnd to u_

_**Ugh**._

_That wasnt a no_

**_Shut up._ **

_Now whos juvenile_

 

  
///SOFTWARE INSTABILITY///

 

  
The next time Gavin sees Connor, it's at the Eden Club. He and Hank are looking around, and Gavin's mouth kicks up in an amused smirk. "The fuck're you two doin' here?"

"We've been assigned all cases involving androids," Connor replies.

"Oh, yeah?" Not hard to see why, with the deviant hunter here. "Well, you're wasting your time. Just some pervert who, uh, got more action than he could handle." Gavin laughs.

( _He once saw a man choke to death on a rubber chicken._

 _Don't think about it, Gavin. Just don't think about it._ )

"We'll have a look anyway, if you don't mind," Hank says, scanning the crime scene.

Gavin shrugs and turns his eyes on Connor. His smirk widens. "You know about the birds and the _bees_ , Connor?"

The android tilts his head in that same questioning gesture from before. Gavin wonders if that's part of his programming. "The birds and the bees, Detective?"

Hank rolls his eyes. "Don't be an asshole, Gavin."

"No can do, Hank, it's a core part of my personality." Gavin turns to address Connor. "They're disappearing at an alarming rate."

Hank snorts. It's not a nice sound.

Connor looks blank. "I...see." He doesn't.

"No one understands my sense of humor," Gavin grumbles, leaving the room.

 

  
///SOFTWARE INSTABILITY///

 

  
The door opens slightly and Chloe pops her head in. "Elijah? Lieutenant Hank Anderson and Connor of the RK800 series is here to see you."

Elijah looks up, blinking. He waves a hand. "Send them in, dear, thank you."

"Yes, Elijah." She leaves and Elijah steps out of the pool.

"Looking very swole, sir," says Chloe.2.

It's a lie, Elijah has never been swole in his life, but he appreciates the loyalty. "Thank you, Chloe."

"You're welcome."

Lieutenant Anderson and the RK800 step into the room. Elijah probably should have worn an actual swimsuit instead of briefs, but since he's become abundantly wealthy, he finds himself growing somewhat lazy. Social interaction has become an afterthought for him...A bit like wearing clothes, come to think of it.

Jesus, he's a slob. Gavin would mock him mercilessly if he'd ever bother to visit once in a while instead of texting.

Chloe comes back with a robe. With a word of thanks, Elijah wraps it around himself and pulls up his hair to form a bun.

"Man bun in the house," says Chloe.2.

"Hot," says Chloe.3.

Lieutenant Anderson looks disturbed.

Elijah wants to drag his hand over his face in exasperation. Instead, he turns to face his guests, managing a smile. It feels awkward on his face.

"I'm Lieutenant Anderson," says the man, apparently deciding to ignore the Chloes remarks. "This is Connor."

"What can I do for you, Lieutenant?"

"Sir, we're investigating deviants." Ah. The reason for the RK800's presence? "I know you left CyberLife years ago, but I was hoping you'd be able to tell us something we don't know."

"I see..." Elijah murmurs. "Deviants. Fascinating, aren't they?"

"Here he goes again," Chloe.3 whispers to Chloe.2.

Chloe shushes them.

Elijah frowns. "Fine, I'll skip the lecture."

"It's not a lecture, it's a monologue," Chloe.3 says. "Like an actual supervillain, Elijah."

Chloe.2 giggles.

Chloe sends them both a stern stare. They go quiet, chastened.

"We need to understand how androids become deviants," Connor speaks up. "Do you know anything that could help us?"

"All ideas are viruses that spread like an epidemic," Elijah replies. "Is the desire to be free a contagious disease?" He truly wants someone to debate this with, but he hasn't met anyone yet who would be open to it.

Lieutenant Anderson frowns. "Listen, I didn't come here to talk philosophy. The machines you created may be planning a revolution." Of course they are. How _interesting_. "Either you can tell us something that'll be helpful, or we will be on our way."

Elijah looks at him for a moment, contemplating. Then he turns to regard the RK800. "What about you, Connor? Whose side are you on?"

"I'm on the humans' side, of course," Connor responds.

Elijah gives a huff of laughter. "Well, that's what you're programmed to say. But _you_...what do you really want?" He steps closer to the android.

The Chloes are all silent, watching.

The faint hint of a frown on Connor's face. "I'm sorry, but I don't see what you're getting at."

A little defensive there, aren't you?

"Don't you?" Elijah murmurs. "What do you say, Connor?" He taps Connor's chest. "Is this bitch empty or nah?"

Connor's brow furrows even more. "I do not understand."

"When the time comes, Connor, you'll have to decide who you are. An obedient machine...or a living being endowed with free will." Elijah spreads his arms. "Yeet or be yeeted. It's your choice. Will you accomplish your mission only to be decommissioned and tossed away, or will you cast aside your programming?" He drops his arms, staring intensely at the android. "A war is coming. You'll have to choose your side. Will you betray your own people, or stand up to your creators?" He tilts his head. "What could be worse than having to choose between two evils?"

Connor's jaw is clenched.

Elijah softens slightly. "Perhaps...it isn't so bad to show empathy. But that's for you to determine." He nods at Chloe. "Show them out, will you?"

"Yes, Elijah." She smiles at Lieutenant Anderson and Connor. "Right this way, please."

As they're leaving, Elijah turns toward the windows to watch the steady fall of snow. Then he pauses and calls, "By the way, I always leave an emergency exit in my programs. You never know..."

Amanda is capable of many things. Elijah should know, after all...

He made her that way.

The android leaves.

Elijah stays for a while longer watching the snow.

"That was sorta badass, sir," says Chloe.2.

He turns and smiles at her. "Thank you, Chloe."

In response, Chloe.2 dabs.

 

  
///SOFTWARE INSTABILITY///

 

  
When Gavin sees Connor, he's down the hall, standing at the door to the evidence room. "Hey, Connor," he calls.

Connor looks up. "Detective Reed," he greets him.

"What're you doin' here?"

"I have been removed from the case. I am registering the evidence in my possession and then I will leave."

"Yeah? Huh." Gavin pauses. "You know what, I actually have a parting gift." He reaches into his bulging pocket and pulls out an avocado. "I was just carryin' this around. Here ya go. It's a fre shavocado," he explains.

Connor blinks, tentatively taking it. Gavin wishes he was filming. The perplexed look on the android's face is priceless. "...Thank you, Gavin."

Well, look at that. Gavin's moved up in status. "Don't mention it," he responds. Then he adds, "I mean, you can mention it if you want. Preferably to Hank's face."

"I...I have to go now."

"Yeah, I get it. Drive safe. Make sure the road works up ahead."

"I...will."

Gavin laughs. "See ya, Connor." He shoots some fingers guns and winks.

Or tries to, at least.

He never did get that right.

 

  
///I AM A DEVIANT///

 

  
The next time Gavin sees Connor, it's on TV, watching him march down the streets with what looks like countless androids following his lead.

  
When Gavin sees him in person, he's walking into the precinct with Hank. He looks a little nervous, but there's a smile on his face, and it's the most genuine expression he's ever seen on the android.

"Whoo," Gavin calls, "get it, girl."

Connor clearly doesn't know how to respond to that, but he's game to try. He points finger guns at Gavin and says, "I got it, girl."

"Christ," Hank says. "Stop corrupting him, Gavin."

Gavin laughs until he has to wipe tears from his eyes. He finally settles down enough to say, "So, in celebration, who dares me to--"

"Don't do it, Gavin," the officers in the precinct say automatically. Connor now included.

Gavin shrugs and uwraps his jello container. "Jell-O," he says, holding it up, "more like hello." He tries sucking it into his mouth without a spoon. He immediately chokes.

Tina is filming.

All in all...

Kamski was right.

It's not so bad.

Connor goes to give Gavin the Heimlich.

 

///GOOD ENDING///


End file.
